The importance of apologizing: here are 8 ways to do it right
There is no more difficult thing than apologizing. It takes a lot of courage to admit one's mistakes and try to make things right. When we make up our minds, we don't always get it right. Here's how to choose the right words and what would be best to avoid
- Why is it important to receive an apology?
- When should you not apologize?
- How do you offer an apology email?
- What are the right words to apologize?
- If it's not just your fault, do this
- Is it an apology if you say if?
- What does righting wrongs mean?
- How do you apologize and be sincere?
- How do you apologize without expecting forgiveness?
Apologizing is the way through which we smooth out conflicts, repair our mistakes, recover relationships. By apologizing we show others our character, we admit that we are imperfect. Good apologies build bridges, heal wounds. Yet only a few of us know how to do it well or have the courage to do it. In fact, apologizing is not easy. It is a courageous act because it means admitting one's mistakes, coming to terms with oneself, and seeking a remedy for the situation.
Why is it important to receive an apology?
A sincere apology can be difficult to make. We have a tendency to self-justify, to look for reasons to blame our actions on the other person. If we can convince ourselves of this, then in our minds we may feel that an apology is unnecessary. Or we may not care enough to apologize to fix a certain situation. We may even overestimate how difficult it will be to apologize, self-convince ourselves that it won't do any good. However, sincere apologies bring a number of benefits to both the giver and the receiver. They help to strengthen relationships and repair trust, to reduce stress. If you're ready for your "mea culpa" moment, here are eight ways to apologize for good.
When should you not apologize?
Apologies are better made late than early. Sometimes there is a temptation to apologize quickly; we want to close the incident right away and move on. This benefits the perpetrator but does not meet the needs of the victim. You cannot provide an effective apology until, and unless, the injured party believes you fully understand what you did wrong. If the apology comes first, it will not be seen as sincere.
How do you offer an apology email?
If you are dealing with a relatively small "offense," consider whether it is better to apologize by text message or in person. Emails often work well for more serious situations. If you really did wrong, there is nothing more powerful than a pen, a letter and a stamp. The important thing is not to apologize via social media-it could be humiliating for everyone involved. Another rule of thumb: when you apologize to someone, you need to give them an out. You don't want this person to feel trapped: don't block them in the middle of a hallway at work, don't lean out of the car window so that they are unable to get away. Choose the right place and the right time.
What are the right words to apologize?
Use the phrases "I'm sorry" or "I apologize." Saying "I feel bad about what happened" often translates into not apologizing. These are words that have the vague outlines of an apology, but don't actually get there. Also, saying that you regret something puts the focus on you and your emotions. Instead, the moment needs to be centered exactly on the feelings of the offended person.
If the fault is not only yours, do this.
It may happen that you ask yourself: why should I apologize if we are both at fault? In this case, it may be worth taking responsibility for what happened. Avoid the impulse to say, "I'm sorry I did it, but you did it too." The temptation to do so is normal, because we want to put our behavior in context and call attention to the fact that we too are hurt. But save those words for later.
Is it an apology if you say if?
When apologizing, always choose your words carefully. Avoid the conditional tense. Phrases like "I'm sorry if anyone was offended" are not good, because they suggest that perhaps there were no victims. "But" is also a misstep. Instead, it is essential to use "I" or "my." For example, you could say, "I'm sorry for my outburst," instead of "I'm sorry for the fight this morning." It may also be helpful to make use of adverbs such as "truly," "sincerely," "deeply," and "extremely," which intensify the apology.
What does righting wrongs mean?
One of the fundamental elements of an apology is to repair. Sometimes it will be possible to do this in a direct way: broke your favorite wine glass? Buy a new one. Spilled coffee on your dress? Pay for dry cleaning. If this is not feasible, consider more symbolic forms of repair. For example, if you hurt someone's feelings with a critical comment, make it clear that you realize you misspoke. Sometimes it might be worth promising to behave better in the future.
How do you apologize and be sincere?
It is important for the injured person to understand that your words come from the heart. Therefore, the apology should correspond to the seriousness of the offense. If you are apologizing for an infidelity and say, "Sorry about that, love," you will not sound very sincere. However, those words might be appropriate if you are ten minutes late for dinner. You should put yourself in the other person's shoes and communicate that you understand that what you did caused pain. It may be helpful to listen first and ask questions about your point of view so that you really understand what the other person is going through. Only then will you be able to offer a more authentic, victim-centered apology.
How do you apologize without expecting forgiveness?
An apology is a starting point. However, don't expect forgiveness right away. Especially if you've done it big. The offended person will often need time and space to heal, and it is important not to pressure them. It is useless to continue the conversation with phrases like, "What's wrong? I apologized: how long are you going to hold back?" Better to say, "I understand that this is not going to fix everything, and I want to keep doing everything I can to make things right. I hope that even if you are not ready to forgive me, you are open to working with me to move forward together."
